Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A Little Confession

Happy Wednesday all. It's time for a little Christine confession -

But first, the set up. I have been thinking long and hard about my career of late. You see, it's feeling a little stagnant. My transition from nonfiction into fiction is marred with some serious lack of progress and far too much frustration.

Nothing necessarily surprising given the current state of publishing. But definitely crazy-making.

So, I decided to try a different route -  I discovered another genre I LOVE to write (psychological thrillers), started drafting novels and again entered the query fray. I also developed a nice plan to forge a path into this crazy business on my terms (to a point), without sacrificing some of the long-term goals I have.

This all sounds good, right?

Fast forward a few months. My plans are trudging along. More bumps, more twists, and the plan is adjusted. Still, I am feeling really good.

And then it happens - a good friend develops her own plan for her own career path. It's also a FABULOUS plan. And I am completely confident that she will achieve her goals.

Fantastic, right?

Maybe....
Hmmm....something is amiss....

I am not feeling so right about everything. Not at all. What the heck is wrong?

Given that I am self-reflective by nature, I pick apart my feelings and motivations, trying to figure out where the new angst is coming from. Why my friend's new plan - one that has absolutely nothing to do with me or my plan, mind you - is bothersome....

And it hits me....

I am too freakin competitive.

UGHH!

I AM TOO COMPETITIVE

You see, even though her plan has nothing to do with mine - like at all - I am feeling angsty because I am so much more confident in her abilities to achieve her plan than I am in my own.

Yes, I know - you all think I am ridiculous now, don't you? It's okay - I think I am ridiculous too...
because I AM!

You see, being competitive is not a bad thing all by itself. BUT....
being competitive to the point of either a) feeling bad of your own accomplishments and goals because you know they won't measure up to someone else's, or b) being paralyzed due to fear of failure is just silly! Seriously.

After this little discovery, I had a nice chat with myself ("Self, stop it. You only feel this way because of your own angst and your own fear. It has nothing to do with anything else. It serves no purpose...so knock it off!") and I can happily report that I am back on track with no more feelings of yuck....

So...
there you go...
A little confession.

(bet you wish you hadn't read this post, huh??)

What's your Wednesday confession? I shared - it's your turn!

9 comments:

  1. I can totally relate. It's hard not to compare ourselves. My confession: I seriously need to start writing more regularly if I want to write anything new. So I'm off to do it.

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  2. I know the feeling, but I love to write, so the only real competition is myself.

    My confession: I hate querying. Not because of the rejections. But because I'm worried of signing with the wrong agent or wasting time querying the wrong agents. It's like potty training. When I had to do that, I wanted someone (like the Potty Training Fairy) to tell me approximately when my kids were ready and I could take it from there. No more wasting energy on something pointless because they weren't ready yet. Unfortunately for my oldest, I bowed to the peer pressure. What I didn't know at the time was he has asperger's syndrome and kids with that tend to potty train later than normal.

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  3. You are not ridiculous because that would mean I am as well.

    Like Natalie said, I can relate. You would think that writing and publishing a book (self-publishing) would give a person a sense of accomplishment but I tend to focus on what's wrong and that doesn't help moral.

    I think I might need to have a talk with my self too.

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  4. i'm horrible about comparing myself to others. it's unfair and unhealthy. but i still torture myself with it. though, i have gotten better about it. :)

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  5. I think this is only natural, but so pleased you were able to talk yourself out of it. I've felt like this on many occasion, but thankfully, for my own sanity, I was able to get a grip, like you. lol. I think anyone and everyone on this planet who has desires and goals feels like this at some point.

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  6. Thanks for sharing! It's really a challenge to live in our world and be in tune enough to reflect on the crazy-making of competitiveness. So many meaningful conversations will be had because of this post...

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  7. Me too! I am super competitive, but on top of that I am extremely self confident. And it's this self confidence that I sometimes need to be weary of!
    My Wednesday confession is probably that I set a really good goal for myself; to finish my third draft of my novel by December 10... and I'm not sure how I'm going to achieve that. Anyway, happy writing :)

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  8. No, I can totally relate and it's nice to read that I'm not the only one with the crazy-making thought process. So thanks!

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  9. Nice! I am so glad you figured it out so you can get back on track because the rest of us have NO doubts in your ability to succeed. None! You can do this, Christine and the outcomes will be amazing!

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Thanks for your input!